Sunday, May 31, 2009

never ending doubts..

i was reading autism as a part of my curriculum wen a thought crossed my mind.
autism is more common in male children than females[3-4:1 male to female ratio] n de have typical difficulty in verbal n non verbal communication..many times diseases are extreme manifestations of normal physiological phenomen.i've seen in many males that de've difficulty in expressing themselves.while on d odr hands gals can easily say wat de feel[in gr8 details at times] n its not just talking al time [like guys blame gals for]...gals never feel awkward wen de're telling abt der problems n any damn thing in the world.then is autism a severe form of this physiology?any hormonal influences in utero that affect certain areas of brain?must be..

Thursday, May 28, 2009

asach sahaj...

i was drving to my friend place in the morning..almost no traffic n signals were not working yet.so i could drive at speeds of 60km/hr[tht's enough for my scooty pep,i mean it's not bike] it felt like a small feather,at one point i felt i would be lifted off the ground by some invisible force...how cool it would be.
i'm just waiting for monsoon so i can go on for long drives perhaps sinhgad..chilled moist air passing off my face..huh.have to wait but.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

childhood memories refreshed...

childhood memories r imprinted on our brains n is so fun refreshing them..especially goin places where we spent quality time with our parents...
          i still remember the park where i used to go in summer vacation.though i ws never much interested in playing der it was just being with my baba[after he cud get time from his hectic schedules] tht mattered to me...i never missed opportunity to accompany him in office wen i cud..morning walks with him in exotic campus of RBI on university road..collecting flowers on d way..thank god i didnt have busy childhood like today's children with so many classes,school activities.childhood is only time wen we do crazy meaningless activities...n tht shudn't be wasted on goal directed activities.
           i used to meet many IAS officers in baba's office n even used to chat with dem though i never knew wat it means.. ignorance is bliss.used to go on airport with dem..its amusing to see airplane in childhood.nothing really amuses me these days,except ultra nice ppl..is it downgradin of my life? i had read somewhere life should be as if ethn is miracle or as nthng is miracle.im living it as later half n it's distressing sometimes..
             visiting baba's office today initiated series of thoughts in my brain.i often wonder whether i live in my own world always n unaware of world around me..n wen im awaken in bet i feel amused by ppl in it n where de r leading.
der always comes a point in our life wen we choose different path or forced to lead different way...der were ppl with u wen u started different journey n sometime u come across these ppl again n u find dem in completely different world,world u never know existed...n i cant make out whether i've changed alot or these ppl..there r no ifs n buts but if u try to apply this in ur future life i wonder where i'll be if i choose certain path.i look at baba's friends n i get confused.de chose odr ways n reached some different point in der life,de ignored some principles n became part of the flow,got drifted with the flow...may be my parents chose different way,not with the flow.. 
        it's amusing where life leads u..tht's where confusion arises whether u shud take life in ur hand n lead it hte way u want,even if it means more harder way n uncertainty n being 'on th edge ' al the time..it's risky but its addicting taking risks al time goin always against the flow..to the point it's difficult to be in comfort zone even for some time.it feels disastrous..but i think tht's the way i wanna lead my life.somehow it makes ma life look like miracle to myself:)  
meeting different ppl makes me only aware of my own consciousness always. may be i'm in my world but i retain the capability of looking at ppl for wat de r rather than being blinded in my own brain...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

distorted history

everyday life gets u to face realities...sometimes to really know a thing u've to really experience it.
i had heard that once history is always written by surviours n winners,n it's many times manipulated.never cared to give it  a damn,until someone wrote abt my grandparents in his biography... certainly things i knew of were put in different perspective and many important things from his life were missing.his contribution in his career undermined n his  personal life presented in insulting ways...had i not known facts n or read that history like a naive third person i'd have had kinda skeptical notion abt him or even hated my granny[whom i respect for courage n kinda risk de took in life]..
        that teaches me a lesson.never get carried away by any information i come across even if it's told by someone influential.follw ur heart wat ur brain says n not wat's public consensus. n never form opinion abt any person or being judgemental unless i know him personally well...
          

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

all time our elders keep telling us to keep patience about even small things in life,like my aajee..sounds simple but it's so difficult to practise...especially wen al things in life go wrong.
   but time really changes many things n perhaps answers al ur questions without u even knowing it.life unfolds itself beautifully..der r only patches of darkness.n once i'm out of it it almost feels like bad days never existed.n whole bunch of possibilities open for me..just a day,on which i do something out of way n i get unexpected benefits.it takes courage to take those risks n i've to push myself really hard to make things happen n den again life comes in my control n it feels so nice..though not al things happen according to my plan,at least i've choice in life n this feels gr8.
  having no choice in anything i do makes me feel paralysed :) 
   wen i look back i feel how stupid of me to crib about those small things.n wat matters is i keep patience with myself,n believe my own brain. patience is the key indeed..n it's quite easy.
  but such bad patches do help to give courage n improve many of hidden potentials..n prepare me for any new similar challenges i might face in future.
looking forwrd to many more such days in lyf..

   

sometimes i feel i'm on way of self discovery...but it seems very vague not clear enough to put into words.many times it's like i'm on some mission to discover wat's at the root of this concept called life...
       wat's that 1principle that i seek?n den i feel i'm losing out on moments to live it just coz i'm too busy searching for it n it's right in front of me...ah utter confusion..
   i've always been proud of myself to be clear headed in watever i do,be it wat i eat for my breakfast to which books i read...(der is always choice involved.i firmly believe we always have choice in our lives in many cases) but sometimes i really wonder do i really know things/a thought as de r? i try to believe it...n al this creates a sorta confusion too.it also makes me a misfit in world of set standards n criterias....coz i question each n every foreign or even my own thought, why dis is so?who decided this?n why shoud i follow it?just coz whole world believes in it.i feel paralysed in accepting it d way people want me to.
   people tell me dear u've to compromise n i feel like it's end of the world..why is it so difficult for people to see me follow my instincts my thoughts my logics just because de dont fit into their standards.i just dont follow what made these people think de can control anybody's thoughts?
   sounds like i'm against whole world n rebellious but i'm not.i accept people as they're,try to understand wat thought process goes through der mind n respect it. 
  individuality is something i'm fighting for..huh.sounds like warrior.n den i cheer up my spirits accepting d fact dat i cant change d way i think nor the world of course n continue to choose my own path,tough job but really worth to live for...