confusions..

History repeats itself..even in ur own life..there are patterns that ur life follows..sometimes when end result is gud, u like the pattern. n how-much-ever u try to change the 'bad'/ undesirable patterns in ur life, u fail miserably...n tht's painful..watching urself sliding down with the flow n letting it happen to urself (even if u resist it so hard, at times acceptance is less painful)...

I cant respect authority who is incompetent, and it's impossible to push urself to giving into demands of life (just to survive)..though i believe that survival is most basic instinct.

i remember the story of sadhu who quit eating sweets before advising little boy...

i'm not being moralist/putting any high ethics, but one's values and actions should match. Morals n ethics are relative issues always, but being honest to urself (in anything u believe/behave) and accepting the way you are is very important. if u can't practice what u preach, i'd say stop preaching...cause it's difficult to change ur behaviour at spinal level.

a young patient tells me, why should i go to school where teachers give marks only when i attend their pvt tuitions, my grades change suddenly when i give them undue respect..n I'm speechless, cause i completely agree..she gives me option of school change. I cant advise that too, being psychiatrist, my fear? what if other school is the same thing? her parents tell her to adjust to environment, she does it for 4 yrs till she breaks down finally...all i offer is support till she's in stress..

analogous is my situation...n then i've fears of life. Is the whole world like this? full of hypocrites? what if only i'm cribing? n i'm complete misfit? reckless rebel? autistic spectrum?? rigid?? (or too flexible when viewed from odr side?)

and if i expect my patient to 'conform to environment' (though passively), why cant i? then am i hypocrite by my own standards?

It's again time that I'm taking huge risk of life, n i dont know what will happen next. but i know for sure that i'll not regret it even if i get crashed to pieces..cause i know it's a pattern of life, somewhat beyond my control..I cant mould myself to situation to save integrity of my soul, I cant see myself being hypocrite n hate myself all my life...then will i lose/ get crashed??...may be..but i'll come back with new colours, cause that is pattern of my life....n i think that is survival...

random thoughts..

They call it an ego..they call it an attitude...majjj..for my living on my own terms. oh and they also say that i've to shed it for my survival...but i cant. how do i justify that to myself?

weird experience at voting booth..

Like a good n responsible citizen i went to cast my vote early in the morning today...being not satisfied with candidates who contested from my constituency,i decided not to vote anyone..or in short vote negatively...

after proving my identity n doin administrative details i told election officer that i dont want to vote any of the candidates n cast negative vote...he gave me weird surprised look [as if someone gave him news of pakistan attacking india with nuclear weapon] n was baffled for quite few seconds...after recollecting his senses he said as a matter of fact n bit cynically 'why do u want to vote then? u shouldn't have come to cast a vote...' now i was shocked with same expression as his as to how can a govt employee [whose sole duty is to conduct election procedure] ask me not to vote...it's ridiculous.

after trying to find out 17 'c' register they told me ki it is not available with them n i've to write only in 17'a'...

only sad thing was it made my vote public..der shud be a system on electronic voting machine itself to cast negative vote...n der has to be more awareness in public about negative voting system to change political future of this country...

असं का होत की खूप आभाळ भरून येत, पण तेव्हा पाऊस येतच नाही,ढग निघून जातात,आपण वाट बघण सोडून देतो,आणि तेवढ्यात अचानक जोरात सरी येतात,नकळत....

संध्याकाळच्या वेळी खर तर माझा मेंदू फार चालत नाही, पण आज खूप दिवसानी आभाळ भरून आल आणि मनात विचारांचीही गर्दी झाली...

बराच वेळ पाऊस आलाच नाही, मी खिडकीत बसून वाट बघत राहिले गडद रंगाकडे बघत , कल्पना रंगवत .... पण अचानक सोसाट्याचा वारा आला अणि सगळे ढग गायब झाले,पुन्हा तेच निरभ्र आभाळ...आणि परत तिच संध्याकाळ.. माझा हिरमोड झाला आणि मी पुन्हा अभ्यासाला बसले...
इतक्यात मातीचा वास आला आणि पावसाला सुरुवात झाली...धुवाधार पाऊस पडला अगदी आषाढ महिन्यासारखा..सगळ धुवून स्वच्छ निघाल...माझ्या मनावरची सकाळपासूनची जळमट कमी झाली।
माझ्या आयुष्यात नेहमी असच का होत?? तक्रार नाही पण कित्येक गोष्टींची मी जीव तोडून वाट बघते,स्वप्न पाहते पण नाही... कितीही धीर ठेवला तरी एक दिवस असा येतो की मी वाट बघण बंद करते आणि मान्य करते की ती गोष्ट आपल्या नशीबात नाही, किंवा positively असा विचार करते की कदाचित देवाने अजुन काहीतरी चांगला विचार केला असेल माझ्यासाठी...पुन्हा नवीन plans आणि नवी सुरुवात..पण इथेच खरी गम्मत सुरु होते आणि ती गोष्ट मला अचानक मिळते even in better form... पण का कुणास ठाउक तिची किम्मत रहात नाही ...
हे चुकीच आहे माझ मला कळत, पण वाट बघताना झालेला त्रास कायम असतो मनात... आणि त्या गोष्टीची तेवढी गरजही नाही अस वाटून मी पुढे जाते...आणि हा pattern झालाय आयुष्यात...आणि even for smallest of things like an even ice-cream with family...
वाईट वाटत की मी एन्जॉय नाही करू शकत gifts or even cant think it as gift...
मग असही वाटत अपेक्षा ठेवूच नयेत का आयुष्याकडून??? का ddlj तल्या dialogue सारख स्वप्न पूर्ण होण्याची अपेक्षा ठेवू नये...??
एक मध्य मार्ग काढला यावर मध्ये खूप प्रयत्न करूनही हव ते मिळत नसेल तर आधीच accept करायच जास्त विचार नाही करायचा[ मला आधीही accept कराव लागायच पण ते compulsory असायच आता मी ते मनाला समजावून करते which hurts less...] at least i 'feel' i can control it....even if it's illusion..but it does help to move on n not let future dreams die...saves energy for better things..n helps me to survive...n anything that helps me to survive n stand straight once again is the right thing...
after all it's even important to survive to make ultimate dreams come true...n still Darwinian philosophy holds true survival of the fittest..आणि हो how can i forget महापुरे झाडे जाती तेथे लव्हाळी वाचती....

never ending doubts..

i was reading autism as a part of my curriculum wen a thought crossed my mind.

autism is more common in male children than females[3-4:1 male to female ratio] n de have typical difficulty in verbal n non verbal communication..many times diseases are extreme manifestations of normal physiological phenomen.i've seen in many males that de've difficulty in expressing themselves.while on d odr hands gals can easily say wat de feel[in gr8 details at times] n its not just talking al time [like guys blame gals for]...gals never feel awkward wen de're telling abt der problems n any damn thing in the world.then is autism a severe form of this physiology?any hormonal influences in utero that affect certain areas of brain?must be..

asach sahaj...

i was drving to my friend place in the morning..almost no traffic n signals were not working yet.so i could drive at speeds of 60km/hr[tht's enough for my scooty pep,i mean it's not bike] it felt like a small feather,at one point i felt i would be lifted off the ground by some invisible force...how cool it would be.

i'm just waiting for monsoon so i can go on for long drives perhaps sinhgad..chilled moist air passing off my face..huh.have to wait but.

childhood memories refreshed...

childhood memories r imprinted on our brains n is so fun refreshing them..especially goin places where we spent quality time with our parents...

          i still remember the park where i used to go in summer vacation.though i ws never much interested in playing der it was just being with my baba[after he cud get time from his hectic schedules] tht mattered to me...i never missed opportunity to accompany him in office wen i cud..morning walks with him in exotic campus of RBI on university road..collecting flowers on d way..thank god i didnt have busy childhood like today's children with so many classes,school activities.childhood is only time wen we do crazy meaningless activities...n tht shudn't be wasted on goal directed activities.

           i used to meet many IAS officers in baba's office n even used to chat with dem though i never knew wat it means.. ignorance is bliss.used to go on airport with dem..its amusing to see airplane in childhood.nothing really amuses me these days,except ultra nice ppl..is it downgradin of my life? i had read somewhere life should be as if ethn is miracle or as nthng is miracle.im living it as later half n it's distressing sometimes..

             visiting baba's office today initiated series of thoughts in my brain.i often wonder whether i live in my own world always n unaware of world around me..n wen im awaken in bet i feel amused by ppl in it n where de r leading.

der always comes a point in our life wen we choose different path or forced to lead different way...der were ppl with u wen u started different journey n sometime u come across these ppl again n u find dem in completely different world,world u never know existed...n i cant make out whether i've changed alot or these ppl..there r no ifs n buts but if u try to apply this in ur future life i wonder where i'll be if i choose certain path.i look at baba's friends n i get confused.de chose odr ways n reached some different point in der life,de ignored some principles n became part of the flow,got drifted with the flow...may be my parents chose different way,not with the flow.. 

        it's amusing where life leads u..tht's where confusion arises whether u shud take life in ur hand n lead it hte way u want,even if it means more harder way n uncertainty n being 'on th edge ' al the time..it's risky but its addicting taking risks al time goin always against the flow..to the point it's difficult to be in comfort zone even for some time.it feels disastrous..but i think tht's the way i wanna lead my life.somehow it makes ma life look like miracle to myself:)  

meeting different ppl makes me only aware of my own consciousness always. may be i'm in my world but i retain the capability of looking at ppl for wat de r rather than being blinded in my own brain...