Monday, February 28, 2011

confusions..

History repeats itself..even in ur own life..there are patterns that ur life follows..sometimes when end result is gud, u like the pattern. n how-much-ever u try to change the 'bad'/ undesirable patterns in ur life, u fail miserably...n tht's painful..watching urself sliding down with the flow n letting it happen to urself (even if u resist it so hard, at times acceptance is less painful)...

I cant respect authority who is incompetent, and it's impossible to push urself to giving into demands of life (just to survive)..though i believe that survival is most basic instinct.
i remember the story of sadhu who quit eating sweets before advising little boy...
i'm not being moralist/putting any high ethics, but one's values and actions should match. Morals n ethics are relative issues always, but being honest to urself (in anything u believe/behave) and accepting the way you are is very important. if u can't practice what u preach, i'd say stop preaching...cause it's difficult to change ur behaviour at spinal level.

a young patient tells me, why should i go to school where teachers give marks only when i attend their pvt tuitions, my grades change suddenly when i give them undue respect..n I'm speechless, cause i completely agree..she gives me option of school change. I cant advise that too, being psychiatrist, my fear? what if other school is the same thing? her parents tell her to adjust to environment, she does it for 4 yrs till she breaks down finally...all i offer is support till she's in stress..
analogous is my situation...n then i've fears of life. Is the whole world like this? full of hypocrites? what if only i'm cribing? n i'm complete misfit? reckless rebel? autistic spectrum?? rigid?? (or too flexible when viewed from odr side?)
and if i expect my patient to 'conform to environment' (though passively), why cant i? then am i hypocrite by my own standards?

It's again time that I'm taking huge risk of life, n i dont know what will happen next. but i know for sure that i'll not regret it even if i get crashed to pieces..cause i know it's a pattern of life, somewhat beyond my control..I cant mould myself to situation to save integrity of my soul, I cant see myself being hypocrite n hate myself all my life...then will i lose/ get crashed??...may be..but i'll come back with new colours, cause that is pattern of my life....n i think that is survival...

2 comments:

Onkar Bhardwaj said...

Nice ending! :)

Mukta said...

tough choices. honesty, especially to self is difficult.
choosing that which might lead to a loss according to others, but which means that you can still face yourself at the end of the day ought to be the way to go :)
but doing so for oneself and telling someone else to take risks with their life are completely different responsibilities!